I am done

[grits]

And definitely with a whimper.

I have not posted here often enough to tell my story, but I will tell it tonight so there is full context. Late last winter, it became necessary for me to work late a couple of nights a week attending some absolutely mind numbing meetings. Naturally, the minute they let out I was overwhelmed with the urge to drink. I began going to this bar I liked afterward and just hanging out there and watching tv -- usually just keeping to myself as I dont like talking to strangers. One night, this man approaches me and we begin to talk. Over the next few weeks, we see each other at the bar all the time. He, being much older and married, hits on me aggressively and often. I resist at first, but eventually give in because I genuinely do like him and am/was attracted.

We meet up once a week for really awesome sex. Then in the summer I moved about an hour away. I ask if we should just stop seeing each other. He says no. We persist, just getting together about once a month. By that point, he has said he has feelings for me, has given me small gifts, etc. Increasingly, it has been like pulling teeth to get him to agree to a meeting time (I know he was not busy for part of it because he had about a two month spell of unemployment) or to even communicate. All throughout, we communicated almost exclusively through email. He has been unreachable for about three weeks now. I have sent a couple of emails, and no reply. He still posts on Facebook pretty regularly, so I know he is still online. There was one previous period of unexplained noncommunication lasting almost a month. That pissed me off. That time he said he did not write because he was in a funk, which sounds like a lame excuse. I am done with this man. He is very dear to me, but it is damn obvious that he does not really feel the same way. Its not like I demand daily texts and emails or that I spend all day composing love letters to him. A quick hello once a week would suffice -- and I told him as much. Last couple of times we talked, he has mentioned looking for work back in his native country. I guess I had better just write this one off. He doesn't care, and perhaps never did in the first place.

Any thoughts?

[HoneyBunch]

I am done with this man.

Good choice. If he's online and not responding to you, he's sending a pretty clear message. I'd shrug it off, tell myself that it's his loss (whether true or not, this is something we need to tell ourselves on these occasions) and then either find someone younger and hotter for fantastic revenge sex or regroup entirely and decide never to go that way again. It stings, it sucks...no contact just plain hurts. You can't make him tell you what's going on, so flip him the mental middle finger and do whatever it takes to help you forget him. I'm sorry you've joined the No Contact Hurts club. BTDT.

[Tourvelle]

I'm unfamiliar with your circumstances...are you single or married?

It sounds like you are the victim of a slow fade. Personally, I think it's cruel and cowardly to do that to someone and it's a shame he couldn't man up and tell you he wanted to end things. I suspect, judging by the month long NC and re-appearing act he pulled before he's keeping his options open till next time he's feeling horny.

You'll hear from him again, but how you react will be up to you. I think you are right...just cut your losses at this stage and walk away. It sucks and the lack of closure and not knowing what's going on is difficult, but if you have 3+ weeks of unreplied emails...well, I think you have your answer right there.

[SillyPutty]

There are a million reasons why he might be acting strange and not contacting you regularly but unfortunately for you, trying to know the reason why is only going to prolong your agony as you are trying to find a way to stay mentally connected to this man.

I speak of this with experience in a different situation but a similar feeling....

So, just try as they say to let it go and find another place to put your energy and know that you are a wonderful person and this is no reflection on you and that quality.

[Hunter]

I pay very close attention to how a mans actions towards me start to change after we have sex. I find that it is usually a very solid indicator of the role he wishes for you to play in his life. If I don't agree with the role that he has placed me in, I simply find a way to disappear.

[SillyPutty]

Hunter-not to hijack this thread but can you elaborate on what you mean by that exactly?

Just curious......

[Hunter]

Hunter-not to hijack this thread but can you elaborate on what you mean by that exactly?

Just curious......

I don't understand what you need me to explain, but I guess I will just sum it up by saying that actions speak much louder than words. If a man is "developing feelings" for you, he will do whatever is necessary in order to see you more than once a month. I totally get that we're all adults with busy schedules and such, but I just don't buy the "I will only have time to see you for a few hours every month". Nobody is THAT damn busy, hell, I even doubt that Barack Obama is that busy.

If a man is in it for the chase, his contact patterns will change drastically after he's conquered.

[SillyPutty]

haha Okay Hunter-

I totally UNDERSTAND and agree with this. But I wasn't sure what you meant in terms of AFTER SEX as in meaning immediately after sex or the time afterward meaning days, weeks.

Yes I agree if it is just a booty call conquest then not being present would be obvious in lack of follow through and no I would not put up with that shit.

Thanks for explaining....

[Knot Again]

Don't degrade yourself asking for an explanation. His actions have shown loud and clear he's not into you and has effectively dumped you. Now don't make it about you. You're awesome, he's just an ass with no manners.

[belcass]

"I AM DONE"

"I"
"I" meaning YOU, grits.

That's the key. HE is not doing a fade. HE is not failing to reply. HE is not anything or anyone.

(well, ok, he's a selfish inconsiderate turd, but we don't have to go there.)

No question that this man is not meeting your needs. It doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter whether where he is or what else he is or isn't doing in his life.

If your needs include things like his replying to E-mails, being considerate of your feelings, or makingyou feel good about yourself and your relationship...then THIS MAN IS NOT MEETING YOUR NEEDS.

Ditch him. Rip him out of your heart and your life. Block him. Unbookmark his sites. Delete him from your lists. Forget about him.

Have a good cry and go on.

And remember the pain, the hurt, the rage, the disappointment, the heartbreak, if he ever dares come crawling around for a quickie.No matter how much he sweet-talks you. This is not an extra-marital relationship any more. This is a guy who is willing to exploit you.

He is not meeting your needs. YOU are ditching him.

"I AM DONE!"

Oh, and resist the urge to write to him again. Do not tell him of your decision. Do not have any further contact. It will just prolong the pain and the hope while you secretly, maybe even unconsciously, rush to your inbox to see if maybe the shock of your breaking it off has spurred him to write to you.

Good for you, and best wishes for finding someone who appreciates you more and is willing to give you what you want and need.

[softtouchmale]

Being ignored and disrespected is what leads most people to have affairs to begin with. So when your OP treats you like shit, its time to nix them and move on.

So when you say "I'm done." Mean it and move on.

[delmar]

Grits,

(Sheesh I thought you were a guy! Apologies!)

Yet again another thread where the members of PF commiserate over a vanishing partner! This practice of slow fading (and quick fades!) is pretty common behavior for men and women in affairs. If you stick around PF you'll hear lots of moralizing here about how bad it is, how crude, how thoughtless; this is all true, but beware - it is fairly common behavior anyway. Probably will always be a common behavior in affairs, I think. Men and women do this, well, because they can! It's as simple as that I believe. There are no consequences for bad behavior in affairs, because no partner in an affair wishes to publicly out the poor behavior of another - and so out herself.

You might also be confused about why your partner confessed his feelings to you and yet disappeared so suddenly! Many theories will be offered, and Knot's suggestion is practical - but let me share my opinion and perspective, which many here will consider dark, pessimistic and unnecessary: men lie quite easily and often in EMRs, and the best male EMR partners are by necessity the best liars. Be careful out there.

Caveat emptor.

[grits]

To tell you all the truth, I was not terribly angry (more sad) when I wrote my original post but after reading all this I sure am fired up.

It is very tempting to send off a final email, but I know it will likely be ignored. Delmar hit on some very salient points. No one wants the "nuclear option" of possibly outing and being outed so crappy behavior can happen without consequence. The concept of caveat emptor goes a long way toward preventing that. As a thought exercise, how would you go about promoting good faith (or as close to it as you can get in these situations) dealings among the two parties?

[softtouchmale]

To quote Dell with some editing:

men (and women) lie (deceive themselves and their EMR partners) quite easily and often in EMRs, and the best male (and female) EMR partners are by necessity the best liars. Be careful out there.

And to quote you:

To tell you all the truth, I was not terribly angry (more sad) when I wrote my original post but after reading all this I sure am fired up.

It is very tempting to send off a final email, but I know it will likely be ignored. Delmar hit on some very salient points. No one wants the "nuclear option" of possibly outing and being outed so crappy behavior can happen without consequence. The concept of caveat emptor goes a long way toward preventing that. As a thought exercise, how would you go about promoting good faith (or as close to it as you can get in these situations) dealings among the two parties?

The reality is, we get involved with people who are for the most part strangers. They may be "familiar" in some ways, and even intimate on many levels. But let's face it: you don't live with them. You don't live in their home. You don't see what their life is like in real time. All you "see" is what they're willing to tell you.

Therefore, EMR-land is fraught with fantasies, desires and wishful thinking. And therein lies the rub. For it is there that the "good faith" consists mostly of people desiring things and others but not having any genuine intention of pulling through to the end. That is why as Dell often says, "Its an extra" marital affair.

[eliza]

To quote Dell with some editing:

men (and women) lie (deceive themselves and their EMR partners) quite easily and often in EMRs, and the best male (and female) EMR partners are by necessity the best liars. Be careful out there.

And to quote you:

To tell you all the truth, I was not terribly angry (more sad) when I wrote my original post but after reading all this I sure am fired up.

It is very tempting to send off a final email, but I know it will likely be ignored. Delmar hit on some very salient points. No one wants the "nuclear option" of possibly outing and being outed so crappy behavior can happen without consequence. The concept of caveat emptor goes a long way toward preventing that. As a thought exercise, how would you go about promoting good faith (or as close to it as you can get in these situations) dealings among the two parties?

The reality is, we get involved with people who are for the most part strangers. They may be "familiar" in some ways, and even intimate on many levels. But let's face it: you don't live with them. You don't live in their home. You don't see what their life is like in real time. All you "see" is what they're willing to tell you.

Therefore, EMR-land is fraught with fantasies, desires and wishful thinking. And therein lies the rub. For it is there that the "good faith" consists mostly of people desiring things and others but not having any genuine intention of pulling through to the end. That is why as Dell often says, "Its an extra" marital affair.

<nod nod> Pretty hard to "know" someone when they have a complete life without you, full of jobs, kids, wives, friends, movies, vacations, etc. of which the OP is no part.

For the record, I thought Grits was a guy, too. Maybe it's the avatar, but also from the posts.

Sorry, Grits... it's no fun at all.

[softtouchmale]

I agree with this whole-heartedly:

...<nod nod> Pretty hard to "know" someone when they have a complete life without you, full of jobs, kids, wives, friends, movies, vacations, etc. of which the OP is no part.

And add its because of this that we also end up with "double lives". And the guilt kings/queens that we are all too familiar with often despise the "double life" they lead. There is one face they show us, and another they show to the rest of the world.

Hence to those who suffer from the guilts/shames in life, they are constantly looking over their shoulders.

This of course begs the problem with what those of us who are actually sincere need to figure out. That is who's a bullshitter and who's not.

And often times the bullshitters don't even realize the bullshit they drop on us!

[eliza]

And often times the bullshitters don't even realize the bullshit they drop on us!

Maybe not at first, but I think they begin to realize what they are doing at some point. And some, of course, know all along.

[softtouchmale]

Eliza,

You're right on this point:

And often times the bullshitters don't even realize the bullshit they drop on us!

Maybe not at first, but I think they begin to realize what they are doing at some point. And some, of course, know all along.

I do think many of the bullshit artists out there eventually figure it out that the jig will be up somehow. But I also think its patently unfair to drag someone into your waffle-heaven and bullshit them, which of course leads to unfairly leading people on.

And when they do of course realize what they've done its like, "Sorry."

[grits]

I am just a female who enjoys the music of Tupac Shakur.

So essentially there is no good faith dealing in these situations? I can only trust them as far as I can throw them (which is not far because I am out of shape).

[WholeNewWorld]

Probably some of the comments above hit on the true reason, and it's not you.

Unless the person went into some kind of funk about being unemployed where he was truly depressed - which is quite possible in today's economy - then this person is probably just giving you the least amount of attention to keep you hanging on in case he wants to see you another day.

[RandyN]

I am just a female who enjoys the music of Tupac Shakur.

So essentially there is no good faith dealing in these situations? I can only trust them as far as I can throw them (which is not far because I am out of shape).

In the end, trust is always a leap of faith. Trust is a always risk. Forget "these situations" - it's true in any kind of personal dealing - basically, anything where it isn't formal contracts with defined penalties. Even there, look at all the effort people go through with lawyers to put loopholes in, weasel out of things, etc, etc.

The only surety is that if you don't take risks, there will be no reward.

[starlight]

So essentially there is no good faith dealing in these situations? I can only trust them as far as I can throw them (which is not far because I am out of shape).

Pretty much, yes. And it's not limited to "these" situations (EMRs) if that is any comfort. There are just as many if not more horror stories on single woman boards (don't know why, but that helped me). The question is why would you trust anyone you have only known for a short time? (Less than a year, with f2f time being less since the summer, and now having been out of touch for weeks?) That's really not long enough to earn your trust (yeah I know, I'm one to talk...lol).

I've been in an EMR for many years but have been "looking around" since last summer. You need a thick skin and you have to learn to not rely on people too soon. Some people say this is not like dating, well, to me it seems it is exactly like dating. When I compare stories, it's really the same thing. But maybe that's because I am in an open marriage and the men I've been seeing over the last few months are all either single or living separately from their wives. Don't get too close too soon, don't start "needing" them unless they've proven they'll be "there" and keep your options open. Especially the latter. Ignore at your own risk.

[grits]

Thanks, everyone, for the kind words and encouragement.
I am generally a screw up when it comes to the big things in life, love and money and such. I will post an update if anything postworthy happens but it is very likely nothing will.