My Life, My Secret

He packed up his things and left.  The kids would soon be home from school wondering where their father was and why mom looked so upset.  I was left alone again, to pick up the pieces but this time I was the one that caused our world to shatter, not him.

I suppose its best to continue this story starting from the beginning and share the events that brought me to this point.  I warn you, this is long and yet it will miss details that I will probably one day wish I had added. 

I have lived in EMR land now for 2 years.  I call it EMR land because to me it's another place and another part of me that is hidden from all who know me.  I am a mother to many and a woman highly respected in her field. On the outside I have a perfect life, but on the inside I have felt that parts of me have been missing for quite some time. 

I tried everything possible to fill on the empty void.  I am already passionate about my work so I tried finding new hobbies, going out with friends more, and yet nothing seemed to work.  I put a lot of thought into it before entering the gates of EMR land.  It wasn't easy. I wasn't looking for just hot sex; I wanted more than just that.  I knew I loved my husband in some way.  The first few years were difficult as it is with most marriages.  But we had created a good life together and complimented each other in many ways as we were both independent and our focus was our children. Unfortunately I found that my needs had changed, as did his.  I needed something, someone.

In the two years I had had two affairs. Both were great and had started out like a bright burning flame but they died out quickly.  I knew that wasn't what I was looking for and that it would take time to find the ideal EMR that I was in search of.

In my search to find a medium that protected my identity and where I would feel as though I belonged I found a forum of wonderful insightful individuals who shared their stories, supported one another, and seldom judged each other.  In time I established friendships and one in particular touched me in an indescribable way.  He wasn't looking for an EMR, just friendship and I suppose that allowed me to be more at ease around him. He had been in an EMR previously and we would share thoughts on the subject and our conversations quickly delved into other topics. We wrote emails back and forth and he supported me through many of life's twists and turns.  Because we were such a long distance apart I also never suspected that anything other than friendship would develop.

Then one day something happened.  I found myself thinking of him more and more and looking forward to whatever contact we could share.  We would talk on the phone and I would be mesmerized.  But suddenly our emails were changing, they weren't as deep as they once were and when speaking to each other we found ourselves fighting for words.  Soon we discovered that somehow our friendship had developed into something much more and we were having a difficult time putting it into perspective.

It didn't take long for us to realize that we were falling for one another.  Our friendship had blossomed into something much stronger than friendship.

Weeks had passed and plans were made to escape together.  He suddenly found himself captivated with a new hobby, which of course was just a cover so that the two of us could get away for a weekend.  We found ourselves addicted to one another. New relationship energy and it was intoxicating.

I was on cloud nine, but still a dark cloud loomed overhead.  With the pressures of work, family life, and other personal problems my nerves were shot. I lost sight of one of the main rules about venturing into an EMR, don't change your routine or actions otherwise you may raise suspicion.  I had done just that.  I was a woman who insisted on perfection at the work place and home.  However I stopped being as tedious as I once was.  I also was distant from my husband, those rare occasions where he would talk to me I suddenly seemed like I was in my own little world, and quite honestly I often was.  I used to suggest going out for dinner or out with friends, but I had stopped doing that because it wasn't what I looked forward to anymore.  For one, my husband very seldom wanted to even go, and I had decided that I would rather wait to find time to escape with my MM.

My Husband began to suspect something was up.  While I was away from home on business he had a computer friend look into our computer who found my email address and was able to somehow get into it.  I came home that afternoon after a stressful day looking forward to a nice long shower. I walked into our bedroom and found my Husband sitting on the bed and in tears.  My heart sank, I knew he knew I just wasn't sure how much.

So that brings us back to the beginning. He left but fortunately he came back within a few hours. I was still in shock, not sure of what to say or what not to say. He stood up and looked me in the eye and screamed again "How could you do this to me" Quickly my mind raced and he heard exactly what he wanted to hear but yet he wasn't prepared to hear it.

How could I do this to this to him?  How could he have done all those things to me, to us?  All those nights while he would waste away in front of the television with a blank look on his face not noticing the new lingerie or any other attempts to entice him. 

"How are you?" simply meant, "give me the readers digest version as I had a long day, anything longer than three sentences and I will find myself staring at the television once again". 

When we got married he wanted me to stay at home with the kids, we both felt it was best so I put my career on hold even though losing that part of my life was difficult.  And yet when money was tight whose fault was it?  Mine, as we were reduced to a one income family.  I go back to my career, climb the corporate ladder quickly and yet that causes friction as I am expected to attend meetings out of town and he felt that it wasn't needed. 

And of course I mentioned that fact that he no longer has a desire for sex. For a year I was told that I was too aggressive and that I needed to give him space.  It took him another year before he went to the doctors to have tests done to find out what was causing him to no longer require an act that he once loved to take part in.  Medication was prescribed and yet still he didn't take it and continued to no longer desire his wife that he once cherished in the bedroom. 

The man that showed no emotion was quickly derailing and having a difficult time accepting that our marriage was not perfect and that in the years we had been together he had taken it all for granted.  The wife that he thought would stand by through thick and thin was fed up with always being the one to support the heavy weight of "our" problems. 

Suddenly he wants to put effort into our marriage and he see's now that it takes both of us to make our marriage work.  Yet my mind goes back in time to be sure that I haven't heard this before.  Unfortunately I had, many times actually and each time within a few weeks things would convert back to what he called normal and what I had begun to accept as normal.

I'm supposed to be filled with guilt right?  I am supposed to feel ashamed for the damage I have caused… and yet, I don't.  If my marriage is that bad why not end it you ask?  Because despite all the points that I have made our marriage is one that is comfortable.  Over the years we have established a routine, a life that suits the two of us and most of all our children.  While we may not be the perfect spouses, together we make wonderful parents. 

During all this my MM has been more than supportive.  He never ceases to amaze me and that only makes me want him in my life even more.  Now one would think that since I have been "busted" that I would end my EMR and put all my effort into my marriage.  But that will not be the case.  I will put effort into my marriage, I will do all I can to make things better but I will not let go of a man who has shown me what it is like to feel that burning fire within me once again, who appreciates all that I am and who supports me through all of life's twists and turns. 

Perhaps many would see what I am doing as wrong, but it's right for me.  And after living my life for others for so long I refuse to give up on something, someone, who helps makes me whole.  It is a bigger “wrong” to deny who I am and I will do all that I can to protect those in my life and I will no longer deny those inner parts of me that were lost for so long.

So life continues, only a week has passed and my marriage is back to its old routine.   Only now I have learned a valuable lesson; In order to maintain the life that I have become accustomed too I must continue to put forth effort in my marriage.  Continue my routine, raise less suspicion and protect the ones I love.   ©