Reader Comments - August 2000 to April 2001

There are ways to have affairs when the two people having an affair are locked in situations where families interact, they all know each other, etc.
I'm recently married, in college, and I've had affairs where its a tight situation as described above. Here are some tips for those having the affair:

Wife's Best Friend Scenario:

The most dangerous of them all. This is the hardest one to be involved in as well as the hardest one to get out of. My advice is, don't do it unless you're ready for the ultimate challenge. Most of the time, these stem from women who were attracted to you to begin with, and the thrill of having an affair with a married man is too much for them. Engage in these only if they have physically engaged you. Do not be the lead man here, and don;t accept verbal flirtation as the real thing (she may be simply testing you at your wife's request). Again, physically engaging you is the key.

These are difficult to break off in some cases, you just have to play it cool. Example, explain to the woman that this is neither in her or your best interests ("she's my wife and your best friend" speech). Make absolutely certain prior to breaking it off that there is no physical evidence of an affair. While her being your wife's best friend may be good enough to cover any time spent with her, your boxers/knickers at her apartment/flat won't do you a darn bit of good.

Otherwise, while engaged in the affair, do not:
1) Talk more often than usual,
2) Exchange heated glances of lust or desire at cocktail parties,
3) Start having longer periods of "bonding time" that your wife knows about, even if you're trying to slow the flames of suspicion by saying you two are just hanging out,
4) Smile at each other more than usual,
5) Start purposefully acting distant in some effort to ward off suspicion,
6) Hug longer, tighter, or more friendly than normal while in public.

You and your Affair have Families Hangin' Out Together Scenario

Wooo... this is one that makes the former scenario look like a Sunday school cookies-and-punch party. The grandfather of all that's a challenge, I offer my humble advice as follows (having been in similar, but not exactly the same situation):

Step one: Do not start agreeing with each other more than you do with your spouses. That can happen really fast - especially when you're not realizing you're doing it to begin with.

Step Two: No excessive planing of family outings together. Big red flag here, people. Keep doing the normal number of things together, do not get creative. One trip to the musuem is enough. While it may slow down the train of suspicion, even send it off its tracks, it also can be the very thing to put the train back on the tracks and flatten you faster than a mallet does a looney tune character.

Step Three: Limit the amount of 'surprise' parties you all plan together. As much fun as it may be to get sidetracked planning you wife's or husband's surprise birthday party, don't be a fool. Once you start the surprise "way to pick out that lawnmower, honey" parties you're on the road to being spotted.

Step Four: No long looks. Same as in the previous scenario. Watch those stares, they can kill you!

Step Five: Watch out what you watch. Just because the affair has a nice buttocks doesn't mean you look at it hard. Depending on the look you give, you can convey anything from "my, that's a big butt" to "I've seen that view before" - so keep those focused on something else. Watch out for cleavage staring - it reeks of affairdom.

Step Six: Keep track of time. You and the affair may innocently wander ahead to go "get the tickets for the show while on vacation" - and this may even afford you a kinky quicky along the way, just be sure NOT to lose track of time. Fifty minutes to go and get tickets to a NY Off-Off-Off-Broadway show by a "Neil Simonesque' author is unacceptable. Do your business and get back. You'll have to arrange time later.

Step Seven: Shirt tucked when you left, shirt tucked when you get back. (OR: Slip not showing when you left, slip showing when you get back). You figure this out.

Anyway, hope these help!!!!

Great Tips! Anyone else like to add more?
Webmaster

I felt after 2 years of affair-free marriage that I was free from temptation. Until I met him. I knew better and should have resisted. It is his first. He is younger. I am worried about how I feel. I am taking great risks. Unfortunately the sex is great! I didn't know it could be that great. One thing my husband and I always had was good sex, but now I know what I am missing.

Anyway, if you can just think that an affair is about sex , then things should be easy. As soon as it crosses the emotional boundary then it get very difficult to deal with on a day-to-day basis. There are affairs that can be classified as a supplement to your real life and affairs that look like a replacement for your real life. The supplement ones are the easy ones.

The hardest part is the in-between seeing him times. I don't like to live my life waiting for a plan to hatch, so I can steal away, an afternoon, night or weekend. You can waste a lot of time waiting. More about that some other time.

Besides being an emotional expert - I love to try to define the turmoil in my life - I am an expert on tips and techinques.

High tech affairs for the white collars:
Voice Mail is the only way. You can say so much, especially when there is no one to interrupt. Set up a voice mail account, pay cash, just like a mail box. Look in the yellow pages. Share it with your affair. You call a number and leave a message, you can also check messages that your affair leaves.

Email at work. Work-to-work email works for me. I love getting romantic messages sandwiched between all the real work mail I deal with. I haven't had any close calls. Just make sure you have a password and security system. If you leave your desk, close your email.

Pagers, especially if you already have is a good way to communicate. Have a pre-established code set-up, ie 123 means call me at the office, or call me at home, or call me on my cell phone.

Long distance affairs are difficult, esp on the phone bills! Have the bills sent to your office. Does your company have a 1-800 number to check your voice mail? You can usually send messages to yourself on that too.

Anyway I better send this before it is too late, I will have to delete it from my sent folder. Gotta go.

Please no Name or town listed

Signed
Hopeless Romantic

It is now possible to get free email through just about any major web search engine (Yahoo, Excite, etc.) You can set up and change accounts as you wish. These accounts, if not bookmarked, are IMPOSSIBLE to find by a spouse.

Assuming your 'affair' has email- you can always use these side accounts to communicate. If the affair goes sour, you can drop the old account name and set up a new account. Your old flame will no longer be able to send you email.

For 'Tom':
Don't try to use the chat rooms on America Online to pick up women. The truth is that 80% of the women there are butt-ugly, 5% are worth it, and 5% are gorgeous but screwed up in the head. You have to spend a LOT of time chatting to get to the 5%.

Also-
Use a WalMart 'Talk and Toss' phone card. If you call your 'affair' from home using this card, it cannot be traced, and caller I.D. does not work on her end. Also- Her phone number does not show up on any bill at the end of the month. This is why they are selling a LOT of these cards every day!!! Name Withheld

Guiltless

Here's a tip or two:

1. Get your spouse/affair in synch with respect to perfumes.
2. Use rental cars for out of town joint trips (seems obvious, especially if you end up in an accident).
3. Interstate Restaurants. I've just thought of this recently. This is particularly clever, I think.
I live in a medium size metro complex where three small cities form a triangular region, each city being located at each angle vortex. An interstate runs adjacent to this triangle. There is a rest area with several restaurants in it between city A and city B. The restaurants are flashy McDonalds and somebody else. The point is, local people would never consider getting on the paid interstate to go to McDonalds. The only folks stopping here are people from over 50 miles away going someplace at least 50 miles from my tri-city area. If they live less than 50 miles away, they're not going to stop here for their business. If they live here, and they are going 50 miles away, again they are going to get their eats, gas, bathroom stops before they leave home. If they live 50 miles away and are coming to this area, they likewise will take care of business at their destination off the interstate, not pay high interstate prices for food and gas. The only people that you might recognize in this place are people who, like you, are probably involved in an affair. Very safe bet.

The Thinker

I myself have never had an extra-maritial affair but I have told my wife that there is always, however remote, a chance that it might happen! After all, it is a known fact that 80% (?) of all guys slip at least once in their life so why should I (or her for that matter) think I am a saint. It took some convincing but now she understands that a 'cheating' husband is a fact of life. I'm not saying that she likes it, she is just a bit more realistic about it.

I also told her that if something like this would happen I would never, ever confess. Even if she showed me one or more photo's I would still tell her I did not do it. Claiming that I was being set-up. My reasoning is that as long as one denies, there is always hope (a 0.5% would do) with the other party that you could be right. If you do confess, all hope is gone.

I hope that I never have to use any of the above advice, I do love my wife dearly but, with 80% of all men doing it at least once in their married life who am I to fool myself...

Good page, good initiative, good work!!

European Reader

Great page. Here is my #1 rule. Unless you are faced with overwhelming evidence - ie: the missus just caught you mounting/dismounting - the key is to DENY, DENY, DENY! I would venture to guess that more people are caught because *they* confess believing they have already been caught, when the truth of the matter is the other half may have a suspicion but in reality is just fishing for clues/incriminating evidence.

Sign me,

I didn't do it, and you can't prove it.

Hi,
It's funny how things seem to pop up in Life, sort of like they were expected to. I just discovered your site, I wonder if this means something...
Anyway, I've often thought about the precautions one must take in an affair as a thought experiment (I've never had an affair). It was interesting to see how many of the things I already thought about were mentioned on your page - but how things were on your page that I hadn't thought about.
Z

Hello,

Out of 20 years of marriage, I am having my first affair. Your tips are lacking for WOMEN who are having an affair. I have the add problem that *affair's* family and ours do alot of things together because we are all friends. Does anyone have any extra tips for these circumstances?

An anonymous newbe to this game

As I began reading your page I was thinking that I was better than all this. I now have a sinking feeling in my stomach. In fact, m lover just called as I was writing this and I almost threw up at the sound of his voice. Are we really this desperate for attention that we go to these extremes? I guess so. I know you don't want to be preached to and I'm not. I just felt compelled to write and tell you how your page affected me. By the way I am a married woman and have been having the affair for 4 months. Maybe it was that I began to identify with my lover's wife when I read how he can deceive her to perfection.

oh boy....

Hi there,

Great page and wise advice. The jewel I have to add is:

Honesty is the best policy. "Hell hath no rath like a woman scorned." Always be up front with short- and long-term affairs about your marital status. If she finds out that you lied about your marraige, she may go to long lengths to find out all she can about you and contact your wife. I never tell until I'm sure she is interested, but I tell before I do anything that can be incriminating. This may mean quite a few more that fall through but it is worth it for security.

Anonymous

Really enjoyed your page. Looks like you got it down pat.

I'll tell you a little secret that I've always used. It is a slight variation on one of your tips. I've noticed that wives are usually pretty good at smelling a lie: I mean they're not stupid either. So one thing I've always done is TELL THE TRUTH. You see it's just that I don't tell the whole truth. I'll usually go out when she will be out of the house. After she leaves, I'll watch TV for 5 minutes, write a letter for 5 minutes, go out and shoot hoops for 5 minutes,...,you get the idea. Anyhow, when she asks what I was doing, I tell her, "Well I watched a little TV, did some letter writing, shot some hoops, and then showered and rested. I don't tell her about what happened in between ..and it comes off as being sincere and honest.

Sly n' Innocent

Hi,

I've just been let off from a 2 year affair, She was having second...third.... millionth thoughts about her life and the potential to ruin mine if the truth got out. I liked your suggestions, and here's some from my experiences to add.

1. If your affair is close to home or work, Leave a bathroom bag at your 'affair'; shower before you go home, use the same soap as you do at home and shampoo (if you can dry fast enough) with your brand. Its totally amazing how acute some spouses sense of smell is.

2. If you are 'working late' never be later than your spouse expects, because she may be waiting up for you will be worried

3. Watch for 'her' cat's or dog's fur on your clothes

4. Easy on the biting, and scratching.

5. Have a care when you come home to a willing and horny wife that:

#A. You can get it up again and

#B. Its not RED and Sore from overuse.

6. Unless you are known to watch or read sensual movies/novels DO NOT bring anything home that you have learned from your 'affair'. Techniques have to be learned somewhere.

Been There

Hello:

I noticed your web page with interest. I have two thoughts.

I think that your first rule should be:

NEVER EVER EVER TELL Your Significant Other. Even if you feel guilty. Even if you feel you should be honest. Even if you are dumping them anyway.

#1. Especially if you have kids. You need to think about the kids and what consequences your spouse finding out will have on them.

#2. You may not think you want this person now, but after a little while you may become sane and beg for them back ---and even if they did accept you back there would always be this cloud over you. It will be easier starting over if this cloud didn't get there in the first place.

And the other suggestion/idea that I have is this:

You mentioned that you flirt a lot, and not to identify yourself, and so I assume that you rarely see these women more than once or twice.

I think you have done adulterers an injustice here, because a majority of them are carrying on an affair of long-standing, where they are and always have been familiar with each other. Your tips do not account for these people, and I think they should be considered. Having an affair that lasts a long time is, I believe, more realistic for women, who crave the romance of courtship. Perhaps you can ask for suggestions from the people who read your page.

Sincerely, Craving

***Your comments have been considered, and in fact I have found myself involved in a longer lasting affair. I had made a number of mistakes with this particular woman as there were many fibs that accumulated over time and it became nearly impossible to remember them all. The website has been revised lately to include a updated section on long term affairs. Your contributions are appreciated and will be incorporated into this web page.

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To: philanderers@innocent.com

Subject: (no subject)

Another good bit of advice...don't drive a car that's easily identifiable. When parked in a motel parking lot, it's easily spotted!

Mr. Corsica........formerly Mr. Red Corvette with custom plates

To: philanderers@innocent.com

Subject: your cheating page

Hello,

I enjoyed reading your page. The suggestion about getting an alternate mail drop for calling card billing is good advice. The "giveaway habits" are good also. I think that some guys have it easier than others. If your spouse is insightful, intelligent, and prone to suspicion, I think the risks are too great.

Far be it for me to be critical of your ethics, but I think you need to be more compassionate towards the people your involved with. I'd never pass myself of as anything other than who I am, including the married with children part. Sure this will mean a very low probability of continuing a relationship, but whatever you find should be based on honesty. If your going to, in a sense, "lie" to your spouse, lying to the other woman would seem just to much for me. I'm an idealist I guess...

The eyes say it all......

Hi,

A very nice page of information. I especially like the input from some of your other readers. I have been involved in both long term and short term affairs. Both have their benefits and downsides. For those of you who are looking for only short term affairs, I've found that setting up a completely separate identity is the only way to go. At that point, you need not worry about using credit cards, etc. since the cards are in a separate name, etc. Mail drops, new phone numbers, etc. are all a part of that identity. For those of you who are interested, you can purchase a book entitled, "How To Create a New Identity" by Anonymous at any alternative bookstore. It's a lot of work, but well worth the trouble if you really want to lower your chances of getting caught. Again, this is only necessary for short term affairs when you don't want to give out your name. In addition, carrying and using your usual brands of bathroom articles, soap, shampoo, etc. is a must.

For those of you involved in a long term affair, the rules are much different. If you don't "come clean" up front to your new friend, it will cause MUCH trouble in the future. I never feel obligated to a short term affair for the truth, but for someone who I see regularly and for an extended period of time, the truth is the only way to go. Let her know you're married, have kids, etc. The only reason I've ever had long term affairs is because I've had feelings for the person. Yes, you take a chance that someday the relationship may go south and your "real life" information is out there, but I've found it's too difficult to lie to everyone and maintain a manageable stress level.

The reasons for affairs are as varied as the people involved. Some of you may ask how to know if the affair is short or long term from the beginning. It's a crap shoot, but so is any affair. Judgment, if there is any when thinking with your small head, is your only defense.

Sincerely, "Thoughtful"

Hello!

Just wanted to let you know that I found your "rules" quite interesting. As a married woman who occasionally indulges in extra-marital affairs I'd like to share one of my own personal rules with you.

Only "cheat" with married persons.... my thinking is that they have just as much to lose as you do should the affair become public.

That's all.....

Hello,

I must say that you have done your homework!! Your extramarital affairs document was perhaps the best read I've had in months. Some of the suggestions were obvious and some not so obvious. Perhaps you might want to consider creating a cleaning kit that has the toothbrush, detergent, alcohol, benzene, and whatever that all fits in a small case. That could even be a shaving kit and then you could hid it in the car. The hiding spot could be behind the spare tire in the trunk, under the hood, or even underneath the trunk! The main thing is that it must be small and in that well chosen hiding spot that no one would guess to look (unless you're a forensics expert).

The problem is to watch and keep track of your every move! Including those habits you never pay any attention to.

Far be it from me to judge what you do! I know that I could NEVER get away with what you are doing because I am the kind of person that is honest to a fault. Any spouse of mine would know something is up the very next day!

Anonymous

Hi there,

I enjoyed your page. Very informative and well put together.

I didn't read anything about locating an affair? You seem to have it easier because of your work related travel, but I don't get put up in posh hotels and get to go anywhere. I do get out, but that is just for day trips. Any tips from any readers on where to locate quality women for an affair?

Tom

*******OK folks, here's where you can help. If anyone has any advice for 'Tom', e-mail me with your ideas. Your Ideas will appear on this web page soon after receiving them.*****

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Interesting page....

I heard this from a co-worker a long time ago. He said that if he is going to meet his affair in a specific city/location, he always tells his wife that he is going to that location for some other purpose. So in case that he runs into some car accident, he doesn't have to explain to his wife why he was there on the first place. It is a good advice.

From one who remembers good advice.....